I miss her tonight. As I write this to you I cannot get her out of my head and my heart. I wouldn't typically call my Mother at 12:15 at night...but, if she were still here right this moment I swear I would. Her voice, it alludes me now. It's been almost one month, and I've forgotten her voice. I hate that. This loss is just now becoming so real to me. The deep desire to call her, stop by her house...just something is presenting itself and its the hard reality that my missing her cannot be remedied by a quick visit, or a phone call. Those are no longer options I have available to me.
Mom....I miss you so much right now. Everyone in this house is asleep and I sit here, unable to rest...missing you. I love you Mom. I'm sorry I have forgotten your voice...that really bothers me. I can hear it, but, not like I once could. It's not the same. I know that given the chance you wouldn't come back to this world...you are in Heaven...the most perfect of places. I looked up into the sky today several times, and thought of you...how far away are you...what is it like...can you see me? Am I doing this all ok? Such a big part of me needs you to validate that I am doing this grieving thing ok. I'm not sure why. Oh Mom, I've snapped at a few people recently. I guess I expect someone to say the perfect thing to take my pain away. Well, I've learned...no one has the perfect thing to say, and truthfully the line I despise the worst is "I know how you feel...". It makes my stomach turn. Mom, Natalie is trying to walk a bit...she's sure pulling up on everything. Her gait is pretty unsteady still, but, in her own little way...she's trying. Both kids are a year older in August! Remember Aiden's party last year? You were there....but, you wont be this year. It causes me to cry just thinking about that. Aiden plays in the zen garden from your house all of the time. Mom...I'm trying really hard here. I'm trying to navigate my way through this loss and pain. It would be so much better if you could just talk to me one last time. Tell me how to do this?! Tell me how to gracefully endure this grief because I can tell you that I've had my fallen-from-grace moments in all of this. I have.
I love you Mom. I wish you were here to rub my head or my back until I fall asleep. I miss you so badly. Goodnight....