I was doing seemingly okay for a bit. I was busy...I was packing her things...I was tending to her grave...I was planning her funeral...I was thinking of her funeral...I was reading her journals (which, I just had to stop)...I was somehow making it alright. I was on auto pilot thankfully. And, here, today...here's where I find myself. Not so okay. Auto pilot has run out of fumes, and I'm left here now having to provide my own fuel and maneuver this grieving thing somehow. But, how? I feel like if I press forward I have to face the pain head-on. I don't want to do that. I feel like if I mosey backwards I have to revisit everything I had this past month, and that reality will still be there ahead of me, waiting for me to pass by and just endure it.
I don't want to do either.
"It's going to get harder before it gets better." I've been told that at least 100 times in the past month. I get it now. It really is. And, here I am...I'm facing the hard. It is getting harder. Reality is settling in, and I find myself in a place where I'm somewhat forced to deal with it. And, I really don't want to.
I saw her death certificate yesterday. Why did that hurt so badly? I guess because it was so black and white. There really is no more grey area...it is done, and it is over.
It's her voice, I've already forgotten what it sounds like and that alone breaks me. It was seeing all of her things go to a million other places...that breaks me. The reality is she is gone, and it wasn't until now that it has sunken in. So many questions are left unanswered and for a person who needs to know all of the answers that troubles me.
I miss you Mom. I miss you more now, and I know that with the coming days it will hurt. I hope God opens up the Heavens for you, and allows you to see me missing you. I know they say there is no heartache in Heaven, no pain, tears, or even sorrow....please know you are in my heart. I'm broken, and it hurts. I'm very ready for this to get better.
I don't want to do either.
"It's going to get harder before it gets better." I've been told that at least 100 times in the past month. I get it now. It really is. And, here I am...I'm facing the hard. It is getting harder. Reality is settling in, and I find myself in a place where I'm somewhat forced to deal with it. And, I really don't want to.
I saw her death certificate yesterday. Why did that hurt so badly? I guess because it was so black and white. There really is no more grey area...it is done, and it is over.
It's her voice, I've already forgotten what it sounds like and that alone breaks me. It was seeing all of her things go to a million other places...that breaks me. The reality is she is gone, and it wasn't until now that it has sunken in. So many questions are left unanswered and for a person who needs to know all of the answers that troubles me.
I miss you Mom. I miss you more now, and I know that with the coming days it will hurt. I hope God opens up the Heavens for you, and allows you to see me missing you. I know they say there is no heartache in Heaven, no pain, tears, or even sorrow....please know you are in my heart. I'm broken, and it hurts. I'm very ready for this to get better.