I miss my Mom. You've heard me say it, and here I am again...yep, still missing her. I honestly think it's the weather...THIS was her type of weather...gardening weather, sunshine weather, mowing weather...I was out mowing yesterday and all I could think of was her...mowing, gardening, and her dirt stained hands that never seemed to bother her. Goodness, as I continue to grow into the woman I was meant to be I'm seeing that the things that brought her happiness are so inline with the things that make my heart and soul so happy.
I found this old mirror that was hers.....and painted it today out in the workshop...between tears, and laughter I said aloud, "life goes on..." and it certainly does.
When she passed...when they told me what I didn't want to hear all I could scream was "no" and I truly felt the world needed to STOP dead in it's tracks so I could grieve...everything needed to stop to honor her. I still feel that on occasion.
I miss her so much, and this time the pain is so sad. I endured the "grief cycle" the anger, the bargaining...which, I sometimes still do...the sadness...and the acceptance. I know it was all normal...and I know that right where I am is still so normal but that doesn't stop me from wanting to hear her voice...her opinion...her knowledge...because she truly was the smartest woman I have ever known. If there was ever a problem, she had a solution.
As I sit in my writing chair I look out onto my big porch...and remember the day she helped me dig holes in the ground for my mums...I remember the last day she was at my home and how she turned back to look at my flowers and compliment them.
I still replay the last phone call...the one where she said she was "proud" of me. The one where she told me
"Kimberly, I couldn't do what you do...with Natalie on one hip and Aiden playing on the other side...I'm proud of the Mom you are...".
-I miss you Mom, I'm here gardening...-
The smell of her United Colors of Benetton perfume. (I cannot find it anywhere, and I'm sure I'd do anything to have a bottle)
Her smile.
Her ability to fix anything! A cough, a cold, a little wheezing...she could fix it.
I miss the way her fish in her water garden would swim right up into her hands.
I miss our competition years ago...who could grow their hair the longest.
I miss the way she pushed me to do my best, and always knew when it wasn't my best.
I miss her reminding me to exercise. She always knew it was so important.
I miss her heart. I saw a video of her recently from the aftermath of the OKC bombing...she was putting her arm around a victim. THAT was her, THAT was her element. Nothing scared her away from getting in and helping.
I miss her saying, "Kimberly Kathleen"
I miss her calling and asking, "what is Mrs. Kimberly up to today?" She always knew I had my hands into something new.
I miss the fun she had picking out baby clothes.
She was truly the more intelligent woman I have ever known...I miss her advice...and her wisdom.
I miss the way she loved to wear the color yellow.
I could go on...for days...I just miss you Mom.