Some say she cannot hear me, some say she can....some say she wishes she were here...some say she wouldn't come back given the opportunity. Some say she is in every breeze that hits my face...some say she isn't. And, it's here that I'm a bit lost. I don't know where I find her. I know sometimes I feel her all around me, and sometimes I just don't. I know I talk to her as though she can hear me....I feel the feelings so intensely as though she might be able to feel them. It really hurts, and no one seems to truly get it.
Today I feel you close Mom. I just do. I've talked to you all day long. But, I've had to keep going. I have to keep putting one foot ahead of the other for my kids, my family, for myself.
Rob called his Mom this morning...and, I'm not sure why but I was so jealous...any other day it wouldn't have bothered me, but, today it hit me hard...I cannot just call you. I don't get that. He gets to have his Mom, and I don't. It's juvenile to say it, but, it's just not fair. So, I swallow the pain but it never really goes away. Sometimes the jealousy is heavy on my shoulders of so many that still have their Mom...and I don't have mine.
I read the Psalms verses you had highlighted in your Bible today. It keeps me hopeful, but, it doesn't take the sting away. I stopped today though, and something occurred to me as I carried your Bible downstairs to put with your other things...your Bible was worn...it was old...it was marked in, it had coffee stains...it was studied. That gives me peace.