I found myself out in the garage for longer than expected digging through boxes of my Mom's things this evening. I was in the process of getting out my fall decor and found myself so sidetracked by pictures, blankets that smell of her...and little things that little-by-little seem to be filling my house.
It's a bittersweet process filling my home with what was once hers. I always loved my Mom's decor...it was unique, different, so warm, and I always wanted so many pieces she had. Well, here I am with too many decor pieces and no Mother to speak of. I look around and I look at her things....it's so hard, but, it's also my therapy in a way...I guess it's my way of never forgetting her.
Mom, I was talking to you so much this evening...some out loud, some under my breath, just off and on I was talking to you. I miss you so much. I hope you look down and see my mums, I'm so very proud of them! They are just beautiful, full, rich, and hearty. Wish you were here to look at them with me. Tonight I tossed the perfect blanket over the porch swing...it was yours and still smells like you..I will doubtfully wash it any time soon...the swing looks so cozy and inviting now.
I wonder what you are doing so very often...what it's like up in Heaven, who you are talking to. Mom, I am here still struggling with the loss of you....it's getting better, but, in ways I cannot even explain I'm dealing with your loss...I wouldn't trade places with you though. You are in the most perfect of places, and I'm still here...but, I have to be here still. For so long I struggled feeling like you might be lonely....I felt so worried for you...finally, God lifted that weight off of me. I know you are not lonely, you are safe, you are happy...you are set free.
It's my season here Mom...it's fall!!! Today was a perfect day...we took Miss Natalie to the zoo, did some thrift shopping, and we've been doing yard work, and house work most of the afternoon.
I'm really missing your voice now. I just wish I could hear it one more time. I wish I had saved a voicemail or something, and truthfully, now, I find myself so much more inclined to save voicemails. I would give so much to just hear you once more. It's so interesting how a loss can change us.
I know my thoughts are somewhat all over the place this evening...I just miss you...and, this is my way of getting it out. No one will ever take your place Mom, they just will not. I love you. I miss you. I'm getting stronger...day-by-day