I yelled, so loudly the neighbors came outside
I yelled at the police...I yelled at everyone around me and I told them "no"
Everything became "no" for me.
I did so much driving...both near and far...
I drove to her grave and as I did I yelled, I cried really hard, I contemplated everything...
You see, I'm no longer the person I used to be.
I worked the ground above where her body now rests...
I made it smooth, as though I was giving her a gift.
I would cry in my sleep, talk in my sleep, and wrestle with my thoughts when I couldn't rest.
I would repeat my thoughts, my feelings, and the words I had said. I said the same things over and over, and at times I still do.
She came to me in a dream once and I found a bit of peace there, but, now I'm right back to where I was.
"No," my answer is "no."
Denial? Maybe...
Fear? Certainly...
Because I need her to tell me how to gracefully navigate these emotions, this loss, and my feelings.
You see, the moment I learned of her death...the moment that police officer took me in his arms, hugged me, and told me my "Mom had passed..."...the moment I fell to my knees and yelled..I was forever changed.
I'll never be the woman I was before that moment. The woman I was left me and she too died.
And, here, I'm left with choices...can I use this for good?
I guess, somewhere after I learn how to navigate I'll use it for good...and in many degree's I already am.
I love deeper..and I never thought I could
A phone call means more...
Words matter more...
and I need to hear from people more often....
My vision is different...everything looks differently now.
Faces have new meanings, emotions matter more, and what is within my line of vision is so changed.
I miss her. So much I miss her, and I'll never forget her last phone call.
She told me she was "proud".
Can you see me now I often wonder? The Paradise you are now in...does it allow you any vision of me?
Are you still proud? Am I doing ok? I still need your approval.
And, I'll never forget you.
I've prayed that God would not let me forget certain things about you.
The scent of your perfume, the way you put on your make up. The way you would garden. Your wisdom.
I've made those little treasures tucked away inside of me that no one can ever take.
I carry you with me through my day. When I'm swimming...you are there...folding laundry...there you are...and when I'm driving...I talk to you as though you are right there beside me.
Honestly, sometimes I wish I could go back to July 2nd, and just make it all fresh again...because right here, and now...it's only harder.
I tossed myself into survival mode then, I had so much to get done for you...and here I am now..the stuff is done, and I'm left picking up the pieces of my emotions.
Each day I feel like I'm trying to glue back the pieces to a puzzle that will never fully go together as it should. The puzzle is now different, it has a new picture...I'm left with the pieces and I'm not sure how to make a picture out of them.
I yelled at the police...I yelled at everyone around me and I told them "no"
Everything became "no" for me.
I did so much driving...both near and far...
I drove to her grave and as I did I yelled, I cried really hard, I contemplated everything...
You see, I'm no longer the person I used to be.
I worked the ground above where her body now rests...
I made it smooth, as though I was giving her a gift.
I would cry in my sleep, talk in my sleep, and wrestle with my thoughts when I couldn't rest.
I would repeat my thoughts, my feelings, and the words I had said. I said the same things over and over, and at times I still do.
She came to me in a dream once and I found a bit of peace there, but, now I'm right back to where I was.
"No," my answer is "no."
Denial? Maybe...
Fear? Certainly...
Because I need her to tell me how to gracefully navigate these emotions, this loss, and my feelings.
You see, the moment I learned of her death...the moment that police officer took me in his arms, hugged me, and told me my "Mom had passed..."...the moment I fell to my knees and yelled..I was forever changed.
I'll never be the woman I was before that moment. The woman I was left me and she too died.
And, here, I'm left with choices...can I use this for good?
I guess, somewhere after I learn how to navigate I'll use it for good...and in many degree's I already am.
I love deeper..and I never thought I could
A phone call means more...
Words matter more...
and I need to hear from people more often....
My vision is different...everything looks differently now.
Faces have new meanings, emotions matter more, and what is within my line of vision is so changed.
I miss her. So much I miss her, and I'll never forget her last phone call.
She told me she was "proud".
Can you see me now I often wonder? The Paradise you are now in...does it allow you any vision of me?
Are you still proud? Am I doing ok? I still need your approval.
And, I'll never forget you.
I've prayed that God would not let me forget certain things about you.
The scent of your perfume, the way you put on your make up. The way you would garden. Your wisdom.
I've made those little treasures tucked away inside of me that no one can ever take.
I carry you with me through my day. When I'm swimming...you are there...folding laundry...there you are...and when I'm driving...I talk to you as though you are right there beside me.
Honestly, sometimes I wish I could go back to July 2nd, and just make it all fresh again...because right here, and now...it's only harder.
I tossed myself into survival mode then, I had so much to get done for you...and here I am now..the stuff is done, and I'm left picking up the pieces of my emotions.
Each day I feel like I'm trying to glue back the pieces to a puzzle that will never fully go together as it should. The puzzle is now different, it has a new picture...I'm left with the pieces and I'm not sure how to make a picture out of them.