I'm writing this tonight for a purpose...to get it all out of my heart and mind...and maybe, just maybe someone out there might read this and know...YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I find there is something so beautiful in the very real...very raw emotions that so many try to hide. Gosh, we've all had our dose of "fake"..."fake it til you make it..." as some would say, and I am here to tell you...that serves no one. Yes, there is a time to dry our eyes and put one foot ahead of the other, but, there is also a time to be mad, angry, sad, joyful....to everything there really is a season as our Bible would say.
Sunday...last Sunday at church...I'm honestly not sure what happened to me. I woke up fine, had coffee as usual, dressed everyone for church...did something with my hair...and we were out the door....somewhere between putting on my lipstick in the car and the door greeter I kinda lost it all. We were asked to stand and sing our praises to God and I couldn't tell you what the lyrics were, but, I can tell you that my mouth just wouldn't sing them. My heart was so overcome with anger at God in that moment that I felt like a hypocrite even worshiping Him. I love Jesus, oh with all of my heart, soul, and every ounce of my being I do. I believe He died to save this world from our sins so that we might have eternal life with Him, but, goodness...I was so ANGRY!!! He could have stopped my Moms death...He allowed her to go...He is THE ALMIGHTY...and, how dare He let her go! I cried...I just cried...I turned my head in such a way hoping no one would see, and I fixed my eyes on that stained glass lamb just telling myself to "keep it together Kimberly...keep it together..."...You know what the real kicker was in all of my anger at God? I WAS ANGRY THAT I HAD TO BE ANGRY WITH GOD. Anger just isn't something I carry off well...ok...neither is grieving...crying...sadness...none of those hard emotions do I do well.
And, so, I'm going to stop right here...it is okay. It is. It is okay to be angry with God, because even if you don't verbalize it, even if you don't want to admit it...He knows you are angry...and He knows why...He knows we are human...He knew we would be angry before we were even aware we were angry. HOW IS THAT FOR INSIGHT?
God knows I'm struggling...He knows I am trying...He knows that my heart is so very broken...and He has watched me go through the "grief cycle"...the beautiful news in all of this...I made it. It has been almost one year since that tragic day, and I honestly didn't think I could endure the heartache...I still worry about what July 2nd might feel like...and to admit to you that I am scared takes so much courage...but, God brought me this far...even if I am angry over the loss of my mother...He isn't going to let me go now. I believe that.
I know people out there who are grieving...some are currently grieving the loss of a grandparent, a child, a sibling, a friend, or much like I am...a parent...it is hard. There are good days, and there are bad days. There are times to just close the door and cry for as long as we need to....there are times to go run a marathon to get the anger out....there isn't a right or wrong way to grieve as long as we are doing it in a healthy manner.
When I started doing my research on "how to grieve"....because you know...I had to grieve in the "perfect way..." (there isn't a perfect way)...I found a grief timeline...I agree with it...and the main jest of it is that we don't get stuck in one stage of grief...one stage might take longer to work through...we might venture back to a few "stages"...but, as long as we are moving in our grief we will get there...we will get to a place that we are more "okay...". I promise.
I'll never forget coming home from her house that day...I was holding her gold dress that she would be buried in...I sat on my big front porch and I cried...I was in a daze...and I was repeating myself over and over...I was in shock...and I truly didn't know how I would keep going...but I did...God carried me. He will carry you and anyone grieving.
In that day I was angry...I was so angry...and I was so angry I was sad...(yes, talk about a roller-coaster)...but, today I'm not so angry...I'm more okay...and that is okay.
Grief can teach us so much...loss can teach us so much...and if we allow these painfully tragic circumstances they can grow us into the person God really meant for us to be. We can touch lives and help others through our heartache....God can use this for good...He can.
Sunday...last Sunday at church...I'm honestly not sure what happened to me. I woke up fine, had coffee as usual, dressed everyone for church...did something with my hair...and we were out the door....somewhere between putting on my lipstick in the car and the door greeter I kinda lost it all. We were asked to stand and sing our praises to God and I couldn't tell you what the lyrics were, but, I can tell you that my mouth just wouldn't sing them. My heart was so overcome with anger at God in that moment that I felt like a hypocrite even worshiping Him. I love Jesus, oh with all of my heart, soul, and every ounce of my being I do. I believe He died to save this world from our sins so that we might have eternal life with Him, but, goodness...I was so ANGRY!!! He could have stopped my Moms death...He allowed her to go...He is THE ALMIGHTY...and, how dare He let her go! I cried...I just cried...I turned my head in such a way hoping no one would see, and I fixed my eyes on that stained glass lamb just telling myself to "keep it together Kimberly...keep it together..."...You know what the real kicker was in all of my anger at God? I WAS ANGRY THAT I HAD TO BE ANGRY WITH GOD. Anger just isn't something I carry off well...ok...neither is grieving...crying...sadness...none of those hard emotions do I do well.
And, so, I'm going to stop right here...it is okay. It is. It is okay to be angry with God, because even if you don't verbalize it, even if you don't want to admit it...He knows you are angry...and He knows why...He knows we are human...He knew we would be angry before we were even aware we were angry. HOW IS THAT FOR INSIGHT?
God knows I'm struggling...He knows I am trying...He knows that my heart is so very broken...and He has watched me go through the "grief cycle"...the beautiful news in all of this...I made it. It has been almost one year since that tragic day, and I honestly didn't think I could endure the heartache...I still worry about what July 2nd might feel like...and to admit to you that I am scared takes so much courage...but, God brought me this far...even if I am angry over the loss of my mother...He isn't going to let me go now. I believe that.
I know people out there who are grieving...some are currently grieving the loss of a grandparent, a child, a sibling, a friend, or much like I am...a parent...it is hard. There are good days, and there are bad days. There are times to just close the door and cry for as long as we need to....there are times to go run a marathon to get the anger out....there isn't a right or wrong way to grieve as long as we are doing it in a healthy manner.
When I started doing my research on "how to grieve"....because you know...I had to grieve in the "perfect way..." (there isn't a perfect way)...I found a grief timeline...I agree with it...and the main jest of it is that we don't get stuck in one stage of grief...one stage might take longer to work through...we might venture back to a few "stages"...but, as long as we are moving in our grief we will get there...we will get to a place that we are more "okay...". I promise.
I'll never forget coming home from her house that day...I was holding her gold dress that she would be buried in...I sat on my big front porch and I cried...I was in a daze...and I was repeating myself over and over...I was in shock...and I truly didn't know how I would keep going...but I did...God carried me. He will carry you and anyone grieving.
In that day I was angry...I was so angry...and I was so angry I was sad...(yes, talk about a roller-coaster)...but, today I'm not so angry...I'm more okay...and that is okay.
Grief can teach us so much...loss can teach us so much...and if we allow these painfully tragic circumstances they can grow us into the person God really meant for us to be. We can touch lives and help others through our heartache....God can use this for good...He can.