"It's never good enough."
"I get no recognition for the work I do."
"I did this today...why can't you do that?"
"You don't know how to do....?!"
"I've worked all day!"
"I did more than you did..."
I stood over my husband one day shortly after we came home from the hospital...watching him with a lioness-like scowl...ready to jump in when he messed up...judging him very intensely....you'd think he was performing surgery with my harsh stance....what was he doing? He was changing a diaper! What planet am I from where diaper changing requires a judging panel!!??? The everything is perfect, nothing goes wrong, I can fix it all, I am 'SUPER-MOM- Mom planet.' Well, wake up call...I am not SUPER-MOM, I am not even close...my husband is not SUPER-DAD, and things do go wrong....even diaper changes!!! But, the world has not yet crumbled below our feet, our house is still standing, and we go day in and day out still changing diapers..and my husband does so flawlessly.
However, I learned something from all of this, and many other instances like this. This whole parenting thing....this whole marriage thing...it's not about score keeping, or proving who can change a diaper faster and more efficiently. It is about a journey together, with great days, and some not so great days in-between. Fortunately my husband and I do not "keep score," much, we both I am sure have days where we are keeping track of each task we do accomplish but we do not keep score....I think we are falling into a groove.
I think women tend to be a bit more overzealous in this department, we have what some call the "Mom Chip." We have these maternal instincts that never really leave us, and as a Mom I would sometimes LOVE to hand them over to my husband...but, instead I just thank God he gave them to me, because much of the time they guide me.
I read about a very interesting survey done and it was displayed in "Babyproofing Your Marraige" a great book written by Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill, and Julia Stone...the survey proved many realities to me that I needed to see/read. Often I cannot understand why my husband doesn't just melt at the sound of Natalie's coos, doesn't WANT to just hold her for hours.... (please do not get me wrong, my husband loves Natalie deeply and he is the best Father I have ever seen, but, ladies, lets face it...men are not women...that Mommy Chip is absent...and after all, aren't babies just babies? They cannot go out and throw a football...they cannot interact much)
Some realities that BOTH men and women do feel:(list is derived from Babyproofing Your Marriage)
"I really don't enjoy playing with the baby for more than ten minutes."
"It's not fair that after a full day at the office, you expect me to hit the door at sixty miles per hour."
"You can't have your cake and eat it too. Being Super Provider and Super Dad isn't easy."
"I just want a little free time without being made to feel guilty. I'll be a lot happier if you let me off the leash for a couple of hours on the weekend."
"I'm not stopping you-it's not my fault you haven't been to the gym in three months."
"Stop micromanaging my relationship with the kids."
"Tell me what you want me to do! Make a list and I will do it!"
"Why is it you see only the stuff I didn't do...what about everything I did do?"
This list is pretty interesting to read over again. Haven't we all felt this way? Male or female....we have all felt these things I think. The great thing is that from this book, and list we have learned to communicate, and I think that if we are aware that our spouse is feeling this way we know how to help. We know that maybe on the weekend we need to encourage our husband to go play basketball, go for a run, go shop for a bit...take a break.....this list made Rob and I much more aware of what the other might be struggling with and I often remind myself that he needs a break too.
Parenting is hard work. It is absolutely the most rewarding work, but it is hard molding these little people into happy, healthy, intelligent, and productive members of society...it is hard when a baby is sick and you are covered in snot, drool, and whatever else wet they might expell...those days are not always easy....a break is necessary, and it is healthy. I've learned to encourage Rob to go do things alone, to play basketball on Sunday's...he needs that and he knows I need those breaks as well.
So, I guess we all need to put down our score cards, and tell the judges to go home. We are all doing the best we can...and the walls are still up around us. It is all ok....I have learned to walk away and know that my husband is more than capable of changing a diaper :-)
"I get no recognition for the work I do."
"I did this today...why can't you do that?"
"You don't know how to do....?!"
"I've worked all day!"
"I did more than you did..."
I stood over my husband one day shortly after we came home from the hospital...watching him with a lioness-like scowl...ready to jump in when he messed up...judging him very intensely....you'd think he was performing surgery with my harsh stance....what was he doing? He was changing a diaper! What planet am I from where diaper changing requires a judging panel!!??? The everything is perfect, nothing goes wrong, I can fix it all, I am 'SUPER-MOM- Mom planet.' Well, wake up call...I am not SUPER-MOM, I am not even close...my husband is not SUPER-DAD, and things do go wrong....even diaper changes!!! But, the world has not yet crumbled below our feet, our house is still standing, and we go day in and day out still changing diapers..and my husband does so flawlessly.
However, I learned something from all of this, and many other instances like this. This whole parenting thing....this whole marriage thing...it's not about score keeping, or proving who can change a diaper faster and more efficiently. It is about a journey together, with great days, and some not so great days in-between. Fortunately my husband and I do not "keep score," much, we both I am sure have days where we are keeping track of each task we do accomplish but we do not keep score....I think we are falling into a groove.
I think women tend to be a bit more overzealous in this department, we have what some call the "Mom Chip." We have these maternal instincts that never really leave us, and as a Mom I would sometimes LOVE to hand them over to my husband...but, instead I just thank God he gave them to me, because much of the time they guide me.
I read about a very interesting survey done and it was displayed in "Babyproofing Your Marraige" a great book written by Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill, and Julia Stone...the survey proved many realities to me that I needed to see/read. Often I cannot understand why my husband doesn't just melt at the sound of Natalie's coos, doesn't WANT to just hold her for hours.... (please do not get me wrong, my husband loves Natalie deeply and he is the best Father I have ever seen, but, ladies, lets face it...men are not women...that Mommy Chip is absent...and after all, aren't babies just babies? They cannot go out and throw a football...they cannot interact much)
Some realities that BOTH men and women do feel:(list is derived from Babyproofing Your Marriage)
"I really don't enjoy playing with the baby for more than ten minutes."
"It's not fair that after a full day at the office, you expect me to hit the door at sixty miles per hour."
"You can't have your cake and eat it too. Being Super Provider and Super Dad isn't easy."
"I just want a little free time without being made to feel guilty. I'll be a lot happier if you let me off the leash for a couple of hours on the weekend."
"I'm not stopping you-it's not my fault you haven't been to the gym in three months."
"Stop micromanaging my relationship with the kids."
"Tell me what you want me to do! Make a list and I will do it!"
"Why is it you see only the stuff I didn't do...what about everything I did do?"
This list is pretty interesting to read over again. Haven't we all felt this way? Male or female....we have all felt these things I think. The great thing is that from this book, and list we have learned to communicate, and I think that if we are aware that our spouse is feeling this way we know how to help. We know that maybe on the weekend we need to encourage our husband to go play basketball, go for a run, go shop for a bit...take a break.....this list made Rob and I much more aware of what the other might be struggling with and I often remind myself that he needs a break too.
Parenting is hard work. It is absolutely the most rewarding work, but it is hard molding these little people into happy, healthy, intelligent, and productive members of society...it is hard when a baby is sick and you are covered in snot, drool, and whatever else wet they might expell...those days are not always easy....a break is necessary, and it is healthy. I've learned to encourage Rob to go do things alone, to play basketball on Sunday's...he needs that and he knows I need those breaks as well.
So, I guess we all need to put down our score cards, and tell the judges to go home. We are all doing the best we can...and the walls are still up around us. It is all ok....I have learned to walk away and know that my husband is more than capable of changing a diaper :-)